I've Been Learning

Sometimes God allows me to go through really hard times. Sometimes those hard times last a few hours or a few weeks. In those times I learn that God wants me to turn to Him instead of panic. Admittedly, sometimes I panic first. But I'm learning.

I'm also learning that sometimes God allows those hard times to last a few years. I'm in the middle of one of those right now. Well, truthfully, I hope I'm nearing the end of one of those. It's one of those times where God has brought me to a wall and it takes everything I've got to put my head down a plow through it. I've been spending so much more time praying and reading my Bible. I hope I never give that up and that the time spent doing both of those just increases over my lifetime. Time with God is sweet. God gives me the strength to plow ahead. He puts my feet on solid ground. (Psalm 40:2)

So what's been going on for the last several years? Jeepers, where do I start? Both of my babies had the nerve to grow up, go to college and get married. (On the flip side... I am so overwhelmingly proud of both of them!) So my job description has changed dramtically. Although I think I'm getting the hang of the whole empty-nest thing, sometimes the reality and weirdness of it just jumps out and bites me suddenly.

I have a couple of minor-ish but annoying health issues. (heart arrhythmia and back pain)

My mom had a serious heart attack and even more serious reaction to some meds and was in the hospital and very ill for a very long time. Thankfully, she's pretty darn healthy right now and doing great for an 80 year old.

The church we loved dearly in our previous town has changed quite a bit because of the pastors moving on to different jobs. The current leadership has a very different vision.

A couple of good friends died in the last year. So hard to say good-bye and make sense of it all.

Friendships. Ugh. Our list of friends has diminished greatly. Some have been through attrition which we realize happens when people move. But some of those have hurt greatly. Some have basically made it clear their lives are so busy there isn't room for us. Some have said outright they don't want to be friends anymore. Some are just too busy in their day-to-day lives to make time to reach out.

We have made no new friends in this town we have lived in for two and a half years. I attribute that to a few things: being a little gun-shy because of previous broken friendships, living in a small, rural town where people aren't used to having to make new friends because they've always lived here, not having kids to make connections through, and biggest of all --- not finding a church to plug into.

I think this area of friendship has been the hardest wall to get through. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me that no one wants to be a friend. But I guess in reality, I'm learning what a good friend really is and how I can be that friend. It is a bit of a struggle for this introvert to think about doing that and I am a little frightened to try to reach out next time I have an opportunity, but I trust God will get my feet on solid ground again and give me the strength. I think these are the things He's teaching me.

But I think the Bible is pretty clear that as Christians, we should have meaningful relationships with other people. Christians and non-Christians. It's difficult to understand why God has brought us to this place where we have no relationships. Yes, we have some very close friends from other places we have lived and are very grateful for those. Yet it's hard to live somewhere where there is no one to call to run out and get some ice cream with, or have over for dinner, or go see a movie with.

We have also learned how tough it is to be in this hard place and have the people around us (long-time friends and some family) wane in their support. I guess when I am not in the same situation as someone, it's easy to think they should just get over it already. They have a good job and a nice house and plenty to eat, what's the problem? I agree and am thankful that God has blessed us with those things. Don't get me wrong, I really am thankful. 

I keep thinking about the book of Job in the Old Testament. I don't understand everything that is in it, and I think it's a reallly loong book, but God, in His wisdom, included it in the Bible. the book describes how Job loses everything he has. Job's response is to say, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may the name of the Lord be praised." At first his friends are sympathetic and just sit with Job in his mourning. But then Job's wife tells him to curse God and die. And Job's response is, "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Then Job laments. He asks God "how long?" (and David does that quite a bit in the Psalms). After a while, Job's friends seem to loose patience with him and tell him to just get on with it. I love how Job doesn't turn his back on God. In Job chapter 19, Job says, "I know that my Redeemer lives and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin had been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God."

I'm learning that God allows us to go through hard times that don't necessarily have a time limit.I guess my point with all this is that I am learning what kind of a friend to be. I'm learning to say, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

I want to be the kind of friend who listens, encourages, doesn't spout platitudes (oh, don't even get me started on that!), doesn't lose patience when someone I care about is struggling with something for a long time. Who am I to declare when God is done with an area He's working on either in me or in someone else?

I know this is all God's process. I know He has an end result in mind. There is a song by Christy Nockels that speaks to my soul. The video is below.  There are a couple of lines that stand out to me:

Sometimes it's hard to grow when everybody's watching. To have your heart pruned by the One who knows best.

And I'll grow up strong and beautiful, all for Your splendor, Lord.

All for Your splendor, Lord.