I've Been Learning

Sometimes God allows me to go through really hard times. Sometimes those hard times last a few hours or a few weeks. In those times I learn that God wants me to turn to Him instead of panic. Admittedly, sometimes I panic first. But I'm learning.

I'm also learning that sometimes God allows those hard times to last a few years. I'm in the middle of one of those right now. Well, truthfully, I hope I'm nearing the end of one of those. It's one of those times where God has brought me to a wall and it takes everything I've got to put my head down a plow through it. I've been spending so much more time praying and reading my Bible. I hope I never give that up and that the time spent doing both of those just increases over my lifetime. Time with God is sweet. God gives me the strength to plow ahead. He puts my feet on solid ground. (Psalm 40:2)

So what's been going on for the last several years? Jeepers, where do I start? Both of my babies had the nerve to grow up, go to college and get married. (On the flip side... I am so overwhelmingly proud of both of them!) So my job description has changed dramtically. Although I think I'm getting the hang of the whole empty-nest thing, sometimes the reality and weirdness of it just jumps out and bites me suddenly.

I have a couple of minor-ish but annoying health issues. (heart arrhythmia and back pain)

My mom had a serious heart attack and even more serious reaction to some meds and was in the hospital and very ill for a very long time. Thankfully, she's pretty darn healthy right now and doing great for an 80 year old.

The church we loved dearly in our previous town has changed quite a bit because of the pastors moving on to different jobs. The current leadership has a very different vision.

A couple of good friends died in the last year. So hard to say good-bye and make sense of it all.

Friendships. Ugh. Our list of friends has diminished greatly. Some have been through attrition which we realize happens when people move. But some of those have hurt greatly. Some have basically made it clear their lives are so busy there isn't room for us. Some have said outright they don't want to be friends anymore. Some are just too busy in their day-to-day lives to make time to reach out.

We have made no new friends in this town we have lived in for two and a half years. I attribute that to a few things: being a little gun-shy because of previous broken friendships, living in a small, rural town where people aren't used to having to make new friends because they've always lived here, not having kids to make connections through, and biggest of all --- not finding a church to plug into.

I think this area of friendship has been the hardest wall to get through. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me that no one wants to be a friend. But I guess in reality, I'm learning what a good friend really is and how I can be that friend. It is a bit of a struggle for this introvert to think about doing that and I am a little frightened to try to reach out next time I have an opportunity, but I trust God will get my feet on solid ground again and give me the strength. I think these are the things He's teaching me.

But I think the Bible is pretty clear that as Christians, we should have meaningful relationships with other people. Christians and non-Christians. It's difficult to understand why God has brought us to this place where we have no relationships. Yes, we have some very close friends from other places we have lived and are very grateful for those. Yet it's hard to live somewhere where there is no one to call to run out and get some ice cream with, or have over for dinner, or go see a movie with.

We have also learned how tough it is to be in this hard place and have the people around us (long-time friends and some family) wane in their support. I guess when I am not in the same situation as someone, it's easy to think they should just get over it already. They have a good job and a nice house and plenty to eat, what's the problem? I agree and am thankful that God has blessed us with those things. Don't get me wrong, I really am thankful. 

I keep thinking about the book of Job in the Old Testament. I don't understand everything that is in it, and I think it's a reallly loong book, but God, in His wisdom, included it in the Bible. the book describes how Job loses everything he has. Job's response is to say, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may the name of the Lord be praised." At first his friends are sympathetic and just sit with Job in his mourning. But then Job's wife tells him to curse God and die. And Job's response is, "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Then Job laments. He asks God "how long?" (and David does that quite a bit in the Psalms). After a while, Job's friends seem to loose patience with him and tell him to just get on with it. I love how Job doesn't turn his back on God. In Job chapter 19, Job says, "I know that my Redeemer lives and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin had been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God."

I'm learning that God allows us to go through hard times that don't necessarily have a time limit.I guess my point with all this is that I am learning what kind of a friend to be. I'm learning to say, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

I want to be the kind of friend who listens, encourages, doesn't spout platitudes (oh, don't even get me started on that!), doesn't lose patience when someone I care about is struggling with something for a long time. Who am I to declare when God is done with an area He's working on either in me or in someone else?

I know this is all God's process. I know He has an end result in mind. There is a song by Christy Nockels that speaks to my soul. The video is below.  There are a couple of lines that stand out to me:

Sometimes it's hard to grow when everybody's watching. To have your heart pruned by the One who knows best.

And I'll grow up strong and beautiful, all for Your splendor, Lord.

All for Your splendor, Lord.

The Message

I like jewelry and my hubby has done a good job with spoiling me with it. A few weeks ago I was wearing a necklace with three pendants on it and Hubby wanted to know why I had so many on the chain.

My hubby bought me the cross the week we moved back to the US from Singapore. He said it was for surviving the three years and I said it was because of Jesus that I did make it through. The rectangle with the Chinese characters is from Hong Kong. The two characters sound like the two syllables in my name. I don't know what the characters mean, but I did have a Chinese lady once pronounce them and they did sound like my name. (Drew? Rachel? Do you know what they mean? I just hope it's nothing bad...) No matter, I love that pendant. My daughter has one in silver for her name. The little ruby heart was a gift from Hubby for Valentine's Day a few years ago.

So my message when I wear this combo is: Jesus died on the cross for me because He loves me. I need to be reminded of the gospel everyday. This is just one way I do that.

Holding Hands

Back in May of 1982 I went on a road trip with this guy I knew to attend the weddings of some friends from college. This guy was someone I knew through my involvement in the college Christian group InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. This guy and I were fast becoming best friends. He was very loyal and seemed to really care about me and my well-being. (And as some of you might guess, this guy became my husband two summers later.) My most vivid memory of that trip (aside from the bright pink sundress with matching bolero jacket with white trim I had made and wore to one of the weddings) was that this guy, who was becoming my best friend, held my hand. In my mind's eye I can still see our hands, fingers intertwined, resting between the seats of his 1980 Mazda GLC hatchback. I remember the security and peace and comfort and even love I felt when he held my hand.

Zip forward to 1990. We added a sweet little girl to our family that February. Her big brother was smitten with her and loved to hold her hand and kiss it. When she got big enough to pull her hand away, he would say to me wistfully, "Mommy, remember when Megan used to let me hold her hand?"

 

Then that little girl learned to walk and I would hold her hand as we walked through a parking lot or in the grocery store to keep her safe and close to me. I remember when Megan was 4 or 5 or 6 or 7, I would feel that sweet little hand slip into mine whenever she felt nervous about a new situation. I grieved when she became confident in herself and the big world around her and didn't need to hold my hand anymore.


I also remember the couple of times I have had to go back to the doctor for "further testing". Both times as I was walking in I prayed, "Hold my hand, Jesus" and reached out my right hand to His and we walked in there together. (Both times the test results did not show anything serious. Praise Jesus.)


There have been many nights in our 27-plus years of marriage that I have fallen asleep holding my husband's hand feeling safe, connected, loved.


This morning I was reading in a new devotional Jesus Calling (by Sarah Young) that I received for my birthday. The last couple of sentences in today's reading:

"Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Me set the pace.  

Hold My hand in child-like trust, and the way before you will open up step by step." 

I read these verses to my mom when she was in the ICU two years ago:

Yet I am always with you; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, 

and afterward You will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but You?

And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

                                                              Psalm 73:23-26 

Isn't it just the coolest thing that Jesus holds our hand? When I visualize that I feel loved, safe, peaceful, secure, protected, and cherished.

Hold my hand, Jesus, hold my hand.